Candid Stories,  Prodigal Daughter/Son series

I Couldn’t Allow Myself  To Get In The Way, Anymore. 

I have been in church my whole life. I grew up in a Pentecostal home and I have continued with that faith. There’s something that people might not understand though.

Just because someone grew up in a church and lived in a pastor’s home, does not mean that everything was fine and dandy with their personal, spiritual relationship with Jesus.

That’s the case for me. I had gotten to the point in high school where everything was just a motion. I didn’t really WANT to be in church, I went because that’s what I knew I needed to do. There wasn’t a drive in my spirit to learn more about God and all that he had for my life. There wasn’t an aching in my heart to grow in Him.
The pivotal moment in my life…where I knew I needed to buckle down and truly be who God intends me to be, was after I got married. (yeah…it’s true). I got married when I was 20 years old. I grew up in Indiana and was moving to Missouri. New family, new home, new town, new church, new everything, It was a big wake up call for me. I didn’t have my comfort zone around me anymore. My family and the church I’ve grown up in my whole life was my security blanket. Moving states away, I knew I wouldn’t have that crutch anymore.
My family and my church became my crutch. My father’s church, at the time I moved was around 120. There were plenty of people to allow me to “hide” behind the shadows of those worshiping…and “worship” and “raise my hands” just because everyone else was. There wasn’t a true, honest, spirit behind me “glorifying God”.
That was NOT the case with my father in-laws church I was going to be going to after I got married. It’s a small church, and I was intimidated by the drop in number from what I was used to. It took me  over a year to get used to a small church and pull myself out of the rut I had dug. It was a Sunday afternoon, several months ago. I was so  tired of not feeling God’s spirit in church. i saw that everyone else was, why wasn’t I?Was it the lack of people? Oh no, the Bible says where two or three are gathered in His name, He will be there.

It was me. MY flesh. MY mind. MY hindrances. MY distractions. ME….I was keeping myself from the revelation that I needed.

I normally helped sing in the worship service, but this particular Sunday I was thinking in my head “I hope my mother in-law doesn’t ask me to sing. I need something from the Lord today.” What do you know, God heard me and she did not ask me to sing. We were into the second song in the worship services when I began to weep. Not as in “I’ve sinned please forgive me” but as in “I’m stuck…I need a way out”. A sweet lady, Sis. Barb took my son from my arms, and I began to pray in the Spirit.
It was such a strong, sweet presence of God that I felt it completely around me. I couldn’t stop crying and praying in the Holy Ghost, it was the pivotal moment for me in my life. I was finally able to break through the wall I had built up of being worried about what people would think of me if I did raise my hands, or if I did pray in the Holy Ghost. God shook me to my core.

He opened my eyes to let me see that I am the only thing standing in the way of my victory in Him. I am the only thing hindering me from getting all I need. I am the one stopping my blessings from flowing into my life. I am the one who allows the enemy to push my buttons and stop me from going further in Jesus.

I had to make a decision that day, that I wasn’t going to allow myself to get in the way of my worship with God. I wasn’t going to allow my flesh, my carnal self, to hinder me giving God the glory he deserves.
I still have to bring myself back to that moment when God shook me. I still have to remind myself that it isn’t my will, but God’s Will that will ultimately be done in my life. I just have to continue to do what I can to make the father’s Will, my will.
It still amazes me that after all of those years of going through the motions, and not being as sincere as I could have been, that God still poured out His Spirit on me. That’s the God I serve. He will always love me even when I’ve done things that go against Him. That’s the God that loves YOU.
If you are having a difficult time in your walk with God, in any aspect of it. Don’t give up. You have to keep pressing and pushing deeper. Your revelation will come, your open door will come. Your heartache will end, your anxiety will end. God wants only the best for you. He is our good, good Father. Keep pressing, keep praying and allow yourself to be completely surrendered to Him.
img_5507 Meet Jennifer Counts our guest writer. You can connect with her on her social: Blog: www.lifewithjenncounts.wordpress.com , facebook: www.facebook.com/lifewithjenncounts and  instagram: www.instagram.com/jennifer_counts

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